Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
