Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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