i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
