my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
