Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
