I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
