She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
