It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
