I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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