dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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