found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
