Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
