he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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