I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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