On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
