Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
worst night to have a conscience
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
