There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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