oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
