At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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