how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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