you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
we're so committed to being not committed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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