Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
