smell my finger.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
