So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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