Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Randomize
