I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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