Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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