He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
