Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
