Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
