Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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