i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
