I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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