THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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