How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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