Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
