felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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