so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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