you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
