Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
