Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
