Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
