who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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