either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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