Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
