Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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