i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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