dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
