I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
should my penis look like a turkey
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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