The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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